Rekindling the Spark of Self Love

“Even without uttering a single word, our hearts have a way of betraying us. Desperately, without even noticing, we search for love in the wrong places because we were never loved in the right places. It’s such a weird experience to finally realize that even our little actions and subtle gestures are always screaming for attention, begging for love and longing for validation.”

I journaled these thoughts on the 25th of May around 23:20 after realising how l was slowly slipping back into that hole l hate the most, a place of dependence. I was starting to depend on other people to fill the void in my heart.

Have you ever got stuck in a place where you’re seeking attention and validation in the wrong places, that was me at that point, drifting back to a place of hurt.

That night, as l was writing these words, l realized how important it is to consistently check in with myself and rekindle the spark of self love. Sometimes, without even realising it, we start to lose ourselves again. It only takes self accountability to trace and refill those tiny cracks.

to whom this may concern;

i have not forgotten about us. i have just remembered how much more i need, me. i have remembered how warm it is to wrap myself in solitude, and how sweet self love tastes. i have remembered how beautiful it is to return home to myself.

— billy chapata. (@iambrillyant) January 4, 2018

As much as l am appreciative of thoughtful gestures and being cared for by my loved ones, l am learning to never toss away the power of being present in every moment for myself. Getting too cozy in being pampered with external love is quite costly because you become dependent on other people to nourish your heart and define what happiness looks like for you.

If your heart only dances when that ‘special’ person’s name pops on your scream, then it will definitely be shattered when that same person declines your call or blue ticks your message. If your heart only screams when someone showers you with love poems, then it will definitely break when those lines of love are erased and replaced by hurtful words.

Whether we ignite it by reading our favourite black female author on a cold Saturday afternoon in bed whilst devouring a bowl of caramelised ice cream or soaking ourselves in bathtub filled with pomegranated flavoured bubble bath on a Sunday morning whilst listening To My Sisters Podcast, the spark of self love should be jealously safeguarded.

Whether we rekindle it by taking a solo adventurous summer trip in a foreign land or freely singing incorrect lyrics on top of our voices at a gospel concert, the spark of self love should always be there.

Whatever that sustains the spark, from sipping a cup of iced coffe, counting the stars on the beach, binge watching your favourite podcast, cooking a hearty meal to changing your linen, maintaining that spark should always be your ultimate priority.